I went back to work on Monday of this week. I had to work two days, 12 hour shifts, now I am off through Sunday. I managed to do fairly well on Monday. The people were nice and I heard a lot of " I missed you" and "Welcome back". Personally I think the Warden was a bit overboard with " Welcome Home". I have never concidered my job, much less the prison, my home!

Tuesday on the way to work the dam began to leak and I found myself in tears. I managed to suck it up before I arrived and placed a smile on my face, squared my shoulders, and made it to the area where I work. Thank goodness there was a friend there that allowed me to talk, cry a little, and offered support before I had to get started for the day. No one else knew.

This morning I woke up and there were no gates to the dam. I realize more each day the reference to marriage as "two in one" how real that was for my husband and I. When he died it feels like half of me went with him. There is a part that will be always be gone in this life. I feel so "raw", like there is a big gaping wound that starts to heal over then breaks open again. My only solace and refuge is my God. I know He is always with me and death has been defeated, yet life is so hard here.

Here is a song that comes to ming this morning. It brings me much comfort.

Hold to God's Unchanging Hand
by J. Wilson & F.L. Eiland
This performance © 2002 Rocks Cry Out

VERSE 1:
Time is filled with swift transition;
Naught on earth unmoved can stand.
Build your hope on things eternal,
Hold to God's unchanging hand.

CHORUS:
Hold to His hand, God's unchanging hand.
Hold to His hand, God's unchanging hand.
Build your hope on things eternal,
Hold to God's unchanging hand.

VERSE 2:
Trust in Him who will not leave you,
Whatsoever years may bring.
If by earthly friends forsaken,
Still more closely to Him cling.

CHORUS

VERSE 3:
Trust not in this world's vain riches
That so rapidly decay.
Seek to gain the Heavenly treasure
That will never pass away.

CHORUS

VERSE 4:
When this journey is completed,
If to God you have been true,
Fair and bright the home and glory
That is waiting there for you.

CHORUS OUT

May God bless you today. I will be holding His hand ever so tightly.

A Psalm of Life


Tell me not in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou are, to dust thou returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each tomorrow
Find us farther than today.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act, - act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sand of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solenm main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us then be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


This poem was read at my husbands funeral. His zest and love for life left lasting footprints in the sands of my heart. He was my hero. Now is my time to labor and wait.

OVER THE EYES OF GLADNESS James Whitcomb Riley (Poet)

"The voice of One hath spoken,
And the bended reed is bruised--
The golden bowl is broken,
And the silver cord is loosed."

Over the eyes of gladness
The lids of sorrow fall,
And the light of mirth is darkened
Under the funeral pall.

The hearts that throbbed with rapture
In dreams of the future years,
Are wakened from their slumbers,
And their visions drowned in tears.

. . . . . . .
Two buds on the bough in the morning--
Twin buds in the smiling sun,
But the frost of death has fallen
And blighted the bloom of one.

One leaf of life still folded
Has fallen from the stem,
Leaving the symbol teaching
There still are two of them,--

For though--through Time's gradations,
The LIVING bud may burst,--
The WITHERED one is gathered,
And blooms in Heaven first

Even though James Whitcomb Riley died almost a century ago, his words still ring true and touch a cord in my heart.

I just wanted to thank each of you that have stopped by and commented on my most recent blogs. Your support and words of comfort mean a lot to me; and especially all the prayers.

I will be returning to work in a couple of weeks. I must admit this is going to be difficult. My husband and I worked at the same place. He was a correctional officer and I am a nurse. We didn't work in the same areas, but we did see or speak to each other every day we worked. His voice and accent were very distinct and I would hear him on the radio I carry and always say, " that's my sweetheart".

I realize it is just something else I am going to have to face. I have been away from work for nearly 3 months and it is time I get back. I know that God is with me and it will be okay even thought it will be difficult.

Honestly the hardest part about going back is the people that knew both of us. I don't mean to be ungrateful for the concern of others, but the way people approach you after a loss is a bit distressing after a while. It is the look on their faces. It is almost like they expect me to shatter and fall to pieces when they speak to me. If I could offer any advice to people when they approach someone that has had a loss, there are a few things you should not do. One, don't say I understand how you feel unless you have had the same kind of loss. You don't know how someone feels unless you have lost a husband, wife, child, parent, grandparent, etc. Two, don't tell them things that are unnecessary, such as "I saw your husband and he was in the car holding his chest." Or "I saw your husband the last day he worked and he didn't look well." If you didn't tell someone when it happened then what difference does it make? It is hurtful. Three, don't keep saying "If there is anything I can do". The best thing to do is think of something and do it. If you see a need then help fill it, because when someone is mourning believe me they cannot think straight and most likely will not ask someone to do something for them. Take the time to call them, not in just the first few days following, but even months later. And don't hog the conversation. Allow the bereaved to talk or "not". Sometimes silence is okay. Trust me on this one. Four, don't ever say, " I don't see how you can do this, I wouldn't be able to go on". One thing is for sure, unless you do something stupid, you will go on. It is simple...you don't have a choice. The best thing overall is just be there, make yourself available, and keep them in prayer. The grieving process is not the same for everyone. It is as individual as the individual.

I guess I am just voicing some of my frustrations this morning. I know people mean well and I love them for it. However, there is a time some things just should not be said. If you can't think of anything else to say, just tell them you will keep them in prayer. That is what helped me the most. God bless you today.

I have been thinking this morning about a lot of things. So much has happened over the last few months. It was hard when my dad, Papa John, passed away. He had been sick for an extended period of time. Even though we knew he would be going "home" the time it happens can't be anticipated. The family drew together and put our trust in God for his strength and mercy. We were hurt and missing him, but we knew he was with God.

Then a month later my husband suddenly passed away. We had been out doing what we loved to do. We spent the day looking for antiques in junk stores and just puttering about. We had a lovely day together. When we went to bed that night we said "I love you" and I fully expected to wake up the next day to see him drinking his coffee and watching his beloved "hunting shows". It wasn't to be.

For weeks the only image I had in my mind was the moment I knew he had left this world. It tortured me. It was in the early hours of Sunday morning. He woke me to tell me his chest had been hurting for a while and he had done everything he could think of to make it stop. I was very concerned and wanted him to go to the emergency room. He was insistent in not going, but I managed to get him in the car to go to Wal-Mart for something that might help. In the back of my mind I intended to bypass the store and go the hospital. We didn't make it, not even to town. His last words were, " I think I am going to pass out"...and he slumped on my shoulder as I was driving. I called 911 and pulled of the road in front of a little country church. I pulled him from the car and attempted CPR. I am a nurse, but I was so rattled. This was my "sweetheart", the love of my life. I knew...oh how I knew. Finally a county sheriff and then the amublance arrived and two volunteer firemen. I stood by the road watching inside the ambulance. My husband was lifeless. I was blaming myself for not doing enough, but hoping they could do something. Yet I knew. One of the volunteer firemen asked if I was a Christian and could he pray. He offered a beautiful prayer. The sheriff wouldn't let me drive so I called my brother who came to take me to the hospital.

When I arrived at the hospital and told them who I was I could tell by the look on their faces that the worst had happened. I was taken to him. I kissed his still warm cheek and said "goodbye". They took me to a room where I answered what seemed to be a million questions. My brother left to get my mother and I sat in that little room alone. My heart was absolutely broken. How would I ever be whole again? How could I do this? Why? Could I have done more for him on the side of the road? My soul cried out to God.

As the days followed those last few moments of my husbands life and the hours that followed plagued my mind. I was offered prescription medication to "help". I knew that medications only mask the symptoms. Besides, how to you mend a crushed and scattered heart? At times I thought I would literally lose my mind.

Then somewhere in the stillness I heard: Philippians 4:6-7 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

The healing began. I began to pray and thank God for the time my husband and I had had together. I thanked him for the last lovely day we had spent together. I thanked him for the fireman who prayed at the side of the road. I thanked him for all the medical people who had tried so hard to save my husband. I thanked him for my family and friends that were around me offering comfort. I asked him to forgive me in thinking I had any control over life itself and that "I" could have done anything different. I asked him to help me to forgive myself. The peace began to flow. My heart began to heal. My mind is no longer plagued. I can remember now and be thankful to God almighty that He was there with me all along the way.

The word of God and seeking his wisdom is the prescription for sanity and broken hearts. Take a dose each day and you will have a life full of blessings and a life eternal. God bless you today.