I really didn't have a title. I'm not sure I even have a message. I just wanted y'all to know I am still around.

The last couple of posts I wrote seemed very condemning of females. I was pretty hard on that half of the human population. When I started thinking about it, I have a few female folks outside of my family that I think are "good people".

When I really started thinking the whole thing over, the real root of the problem stems more from the original trauma of the "divorce". I know that may seem assinine to some people after all these years. My folks have been divorced since I was 10 and believe me that has been a lifetime ago. My father left for the "other woman" and married her. On top of that the woman is a card carrying "mental patient". If you don't believe me, you can check it out with Mr. O. He met her.

Needless to say, I recently found out that my so called father has pretty much by omission never really let on he has children. Most of the folks he knows has no idea he has two grown children who have children. Now isn't that interesting? On top of that he is a deacon in his church. He hasn't really made any attempts to be a part of our lives, but I guess I always had hoped "one day" the bridge could be gapped and we could have some sort of relationship. It seems his wife doesn't want him to associate with his own brother, so I must assume his children are part of that too.

The only hope that is eternal is Christ. I don't believe there is any hope left for any reconciliation with my father. It is like another piece of me died. I don't know how to explain it. How is "the child" supposed to feel when a parent that lived and supposedly loved them for 10 years abandons them for life? On top of that he uses the excuse of his manipulative wife to continue the farce. I am so angry. Not really at him, but for being the fool. I honestly thought if I prayed and waited long enough "just maybe". Maybe it is pride. I have never been a "quitter". I am so angry for wasting my emotional energies all these years. My heart aches. Apparently he didn't love us even in the beginning. It makes me sick and then very angry. I can't deny he "fathered" me....but believe me he is a pathetic example for a "father". Somehow I will get past this....I just hope I don't bump into him at Wal-Mart any time too soon.

I guess my last two posts were pretty condemning when it comes to 1/2 of the human race. I have found some men to be just a fickle or worse. Maybe it isn't so much about gender as much as it is about a "trust" issue. I have a hard time with anyone male of female once a "trust" has been broken. It is like adding another brick in the wall for self protection. There are very few people I have allowed to peek over the wall or stand behind it with me. I seem leary of allowing anyone into my inner circle. This makes some people feel that I am either aloof or have some sort of superiority complex, neither of which is true. I have a tendency to hide behind humor too. I certainly have my flaws. I don't change my mind easily. I can be outspoken. I believe a persons "word" means something. As I have mentioned before I am a Christian and politically I am conservative. I don't necessarily vote one party, but I vote my concience. Basically, I am just an ordinary soul wondering if there really is anything called a "best friend" anymore.

I have been doing some serious pondering since my previous post. Perhaps my formative years had something to do with the way I related to "a friend". I was an only child for 8 years of my life. I spent most of my time around doting adults. I interacted with children at church and at school, but my best friends were boys. We moved out in the country when I was 5 years old. The first kids I met were all boys. Two were brothers and one was a next door neighbor to the brothers. There were no girls within my limits. My little brother was born when I was 8 years old. So, boys it would be and the two brothers were my favorite playmates. It was sort of like living out the antics of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. They weren't "bad" boys, just adventurous. We were the best of friends until "the divorce". At age ten, I had to move to a large city. I felt like a fish out of water....kinda like country mouse/city mouse. Besides the trauma of the divorce made me less extroverted than I normally had always been. Believe it or not my playmates were limited once they found out my mother was a "divorcee". Back in the year of 1969 a divorced woman was assumed to be a desperate sex siren that had men in and out of the house at all hours of the day and night. That is the farthest thing from the truth, but it was a stigma none the less.

I remember telling some girls in the 7th grade about the divorce. They pretended to be interested. Later I found out why....it was all over school and my mother had been labeled a "whore". That was one day I almost had a fight. There again.....the mistrust of females. My mother never had men in and out of our home. She worked two jobs at Christmas so we could have a few things we wanted. My father was what is known now as a "dead beat dad". He seldom paid support and he married the woman he had been having the affair with for years. I still loved my father...and I blamed "that woman" for a long time. There again was another reason not to trust females outside of family.

The crazy thing is I went into a profession that has been traditionally female until recently. I am a nurse. I was under the mistaken impression that "females" that wanted to help people would also be nurturing to one another. NOT!!!!! Some of the female nurses I have known over the years would put Atilla the Hun to shame. Some of the most vicious back biting, gossip, and vendictivness has been done by the females in my profession. So where do I start to find a female friend that I can trust? I honestly do not know. When a man says he doesn't understand females...well neither do I.

I think it is really remarkable when someone tells me they have a best girlfriend and/or this has been a lifetime friendship. I know a lot of women who have lots of lady friends. Then, there is myself. I don't think I am unique in any way, but I can't for the life of me say that I have a "best friend" or even close female aquaintances that get together to do "girl things". I might add that I am heterosexual, so I am not looking for that kind of relationship. I just wonder what it would be like to be really close to another female outside of my mother.

I am trying to decide when the lack of a "best female friend" occurred. When I look back over my life, I had female friends up until around high school age. I was like most any other teenagers at the time. I wanted to be "popular" or a least in the "popular" crowd. I learned my lesson though. Perhaps this is the event that caused my distrust of female friendship. I was a "good" student. Most subjects with the exception of math came easily to me. I knew a few of the cheerleaders that were in my anatomy class. They were having trouble with English and they asked me to help out. Of course I jumped at a chance to "hang out" with the popular crowd. So I started helping them with their homework. One Monday morning I was sitting with "the girls" in class. One of the girls piped up and started talking about a party that was held over the weekend. The other girls chimed in at what a great party it had been and who all had been there. Then that same girl looked me in the eye and said, "Don't you have anything to say....weren't you at the party?" The question was snide and they knew the answer already. So, I told her I had plenty to say. I told all of them if I wasn't good enough to even be invited to such a thing, then I wasn't good enough to help with the homework and they could take it and cram it where the sun don't shine. You should have seen the look on their faces. I don't think they expected anyone to speak to them that way. I suspect they meant to humiliate me or make me run from the room in tears. Thus my efforts at being popular and having "female" friends was put to an end. Most of the girls I knew in high school were pretty shallow anyway. My my desire to be popular was shallow as well, but I hadn't done anything mean to get there either. I also decided it wasn't a good thing to try to "kiss ass" to be popular. Maybe that is why I don't open up well with my true feelings. It seems to much of a risk and the lesson I learned in high school made a life long impression. Since then I have never strived to be "best liked" or "popular". What you see is what you get!

I am not knocking females here. Besides, I am one. I try my best to be honest, fair, and the same towards everyone. It is just that I don't understand females any better than most men. Females aren't necessarily physically violent, but the things they can say can cut clear to the bone. Would I share my most intimate secrets with a woman...I don't know...I am not even sure I would share them with anyone outside my husband. I must say I am fortunate to have married my best friend.......and Mr. O is still considered a close friend. I would just like to experience a true friendship with a woman. The problem is most likely within myself.....so I will take time to ponder.

I don't know if you will read this son, but I want to tell you....Happy Belated Birtday! I tried calling before and after your birthday, but you were sleeping. I know you are working now and going out with your friends, so I don't expect you to sit by the phone waiting for me to call. I love you very much. You are 24 now! Each year that goes by is so hard to believe. You know the story by heart now....about the day you were born. You popped out with one eye closed and your dad said I gave birth to "Popeye". You were beautiful. Even the older nurse who had worked there for years said you "had the face of an angel". I was and am a proud Mamma!

You are a young man now. I have missed the last 6 years of your life. I know you have done a lot of growing up. I trully miss getting to know you better day by day. I am so proud of you and the great job you are doing with the less fortunate folks. Perhaps you have found your calling. You have always had a special knack with people. You have a great inner strength and you know yourself. That is amazing for such a young man.

Your dad tells me that you may decide to stay behind in New Zealand when he comes back to the states. My selfishness wants to beg you to come home, but I won't do that. You are an adult and should make that decision on your own. Whatever you decide I will be supportive. I love you more than you know. How I dream and wish to kiss your cheeks and hug you so long it hurts. I can still see those beautiful and soulful blue eyes....so whenever you get the chance point your face to the east and think of me. My thoughts are with you daily. Love and hugs and kisses....Mamma