1. (Never having lost a spouse) "I know exactly how you feel." Really...so you know how it feels to have your heart torn in two and wanting to be there with him, because you had done EVERYTHING else together.

2. "How did it happen?" I think the answer was obvious..."He died."

3. "It was God's will." Personally, I think we die because of the original sin in the garden. God didn't want us to have to suffer death. Unfortunately, the willfull disobedience of man caused death or we would all be living in Eden.

4. "Call me if you need anything." I can't remember half the people who came, much less have their phone numbers. Perhaps that is the reason they say it!

5. "Are you okay?" I wanted to scream...."NO"...to the top of my lungs about the 100th time I was asked.

6. "What are you going to do?" My mind was so muddled at the time I don't even know what I said.

7. " I can't believe this happened!" No dog gone joke....."YOU" can't believe it happened!!!!!

8. " He looks so natural." Really, so dead looks natural???!!!

9. " Is there ANYTHING I can do?" Yep....make him not dead...can you do that?

10. "Well, at least you had ( X number of years) together." Yes, that is true....but..."I want X number more and now I HAVE to live it without him."

The only advice I can give people is if you don't know what to say or feel uncomfortable then just don't say anything. The best words said to me were, "You are in our hearts and prayers" or " I will be praying for you." The best thing to do is in the weeks and months later....pick up the phone and call the bereaved. Just talk to them about the day or current events....let them talk about the death if they want....just listen. Let them cry...it may be uncomfortable for you, but it is "natural". Don't give advice unless it is asked. Out of hundreds of people, there have been four people outside my family that really made the effort. I will cherish them always. God bless Tina, Brian, Mike, and Betsy....you have been true friends.

I don't want to beat this topic to death, but it still happens to me almost every day. I know people don't mean to be unkind or thoughtless...but I am always amazed at what people say. The most hurtful things were folks telling me they had seen my husband not feeling well. One person told me he saw him in the parking lot at work slumped over the steering wheel clutching his chest, but didn't insist he go seek medical attention. To beat it all, this person at one time practiced as an LPN! Yet he calls himself a "friend" of my husband. There were others who made similar comments.....Lord help me to forgive ignorance! No words can change a thing that has happened....just remember that words are powerful. Be careful what you say...especially to the grieving. The loss is overwhelming, but I still remember the words.